Archives for August 2011

Don’t Slow Down Before the Finish Line!

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Something strange just happened. I got up early, ignored my email and got right to work on my very full to-do list. I had a good idea of which tasks I could accomplish before my 9am appointment. After an hour or so, I was well on my way to completing my whole list before the nice o’clock deadline. Then I glanced at my schedule and realized that my first appointment was at 10am, not 9am! I found an unexpected HOUR in my day – how often does that happen? But here’s where it gets weird.

I started to slow down. Understand that I had been working at a steady pace, getting things done, not feeling panicky or anything. But once I saw that I basically gained an hour, instead of moving forward at the same pace, I started to dawdle, check my email and look at a few web sites.

And I realized, this isn’t just about how I’m treating this extra hour today, this is a pattern in my life. When I see that a goal is “in the bag”, so to speak, I throttle back, instead of continuing at a consistent pace. It is the equivalent of being 20 yards ahead of everyone in a 100-yard dash, then five feet from the finish line making the decision to walk.

There’s nothing terribly wrong with this, but there’s something not quite right about it either. Something about not wanting to get too far ahead of everyone else? Fear of success?

Can anyone relate? Have any insights? Please share!

I Don’t Wanna…

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I recently went to Los Angeles for a two day business event put on by my business coach, Patricia Drain. Upon arrival, I promptly got sick and spent two days in the hotel room, depressed and feeling lousy.

Fast forward a few days and I’m now home. I don’t want to do anything. Everything seems like a huge undertaking, and even coffee isn’t helping.

This is a real problem for entrepreneurs, especially for those of us who work from home in our pajamas a lot of the time. So what can be done when this heavy inertia settles in?

I came up with a few ideas, and I’m hoping that you’ll add a few of your own.

  1. Do ANYTHING. I’m writing this article as a way to shake free of the doldrums, but it can be as simple as taking a shower, or looking at your to do list and picking the item that looks most appealing (even if it isn’t a priority).
  2. Listen to someone else. Call someone and ask about their life so you can get out of your own head space.
  3. Listen to someone else. Yes, this is a repeat, but it’s a different “someone else”. If your inertia is accompanied (as it often is) by a bad attitude, listen to a recording of a motivational speaker, or teacher focused on adjusting your mindset.
  4. Go outside. Nature is a great healer.
  5. Do the task that’s been sitting around for a month. It might be picking up shirts from the dry cleaner, paying library fines, or cleaning out your car. Stagnation in your physical space can lead to stagnation in your mental space.

What ideas do you have? Please respond! While I’m waiting for your response I’m going to go organize my newsletter, call my friend, put on a motivational CD, water the outdoor plants and take out the recycling.

7 Easy Ways to Become a More Intimate Listener

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By Lakota Grace Baker

Have you ever seen a litter of puppies freed from the confines of the nesting box?  They aren’t paying much attention to anything but the ultimate goal. They dive and tumble all over each other in the mad rush for the food dish.

Social conversation is a lot like that.  It is a fast paced, social free-for-all, with constant interruptions, cross talking, dominance by tone and volume.  It can be fun. But if you listen to WHAT is being said, it is largely surface, not complex or deep.

Intimate conversation, on the other hand, is much different.  The pace is slower with more eye contact. Silences are longer.  Questions are more thoughtful.  A relationship deepens in the space of a few moments.

It’s not hard to become an expert listener. Try these simple techniques:

1.  Become comfortable with silence.  Ask a question, and then pause for the answer.  Don’t restate the question, ask it another way, or jump in with your own personal comments.  The norm in intimate conversation is taking turns, not dominance. So give your partner the space to think.

2. Clear the mind of ego chatter.  It has become an ingrained habit since childhood to assume that we won’t get ours unless our demand is placed out there FIRST.  But when that happens we really don’t listen, but are intent upon what WE are going to share next.

For example, remember when you were in grade school, forced to listen to the drone of the teacher’s voice, hour after hour?  You couldn’t WAIT for that golden moment when finally the teacher asked, “who knows the answer” and a zillion hands when up.  Or when you were out in gym waiting for the trampoline and the instructor asked, “Who wants to go first?” and you tried to outshout the others with “Me, me, me!”

As an adult, when you can stifle this initial impulse, you are able to give your partner the best gift ever—your undivided attention.

4.  Ask open ended questions to deepen their story.  Remember, in a way, you are training your speaker to become a better story teller, to entertain YOU.  So ask questions that make your speaker think a bit.

Rather than a question they can answer with a simple yes or no, start your question with “How did you…” or “What happened then…”
In this way, the tale becomes a co-creation of the two of you.

5.  Listen for emotional expressions to deepen the story line.  Counselors get big bucks for doing this one basic process.  Listen to the feeling words in the story. “I was so FRUSTRATED that I…”  or “I just LOVED it when…”  “I was SO embarrassed…”

Then, all you have to do is thoughtfully repeat the word and then ask for more: “frustrated…tell me about it.”

6. Ask sensory questions.  Get them to remember the colors, shapes, textures, smells, sounds.

Doing so gives them a chance to remember what happened in all its glorious detail and allows you to experience vicariously in their moment.

7. Vary your opening question.  Asking “Tell me about your day” or “What happened to you?” is about as successful as trying to open up a conversation with your teenager!

Starting a conversation in the same way is like making love in the same position, time after time.  Doesn’t take long before the action is perfunctory and the pleasure is transitory at best.

We once knew how to listen.  Primitive peoples knew that their very existence might depend upon paying attention to whether the crackle in the bush was a peaceful badger or a restless panther.

In fact, some believe that early people listened much and spoke little—that they could almost read each other’s minds without words.

And what could be more intimate than that?


Article contributed by Lakota Grace Baker of Face to the Sun Counseling in Sedona, Arizona

Being RIGHT in the Express Lane

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I was at the grocery store the other day, and was feeling really rushed. I had just picked up the food for that evening’s event, and felt like I was cutting it close with timing.

After estimating the number of items in my cart, I dashed to the “15 Items or Less” checkout stand. With only one person ahead of me, and no one looking like they were going to file in behind, I figured this was the best way to get out of there in a hurry.

As I unloaded my cart, a man joined the line behind me. He had a hand basket with just two items in it. He surveyed my load of groceries, and assumed an expression of supreme exasperation.

So what did I do? I treated him like I treat everyone. I smiled and said hello.

He sighed loudly, pointedly looked at the sign that indicated the grocery items limit, and under his breath muttered, “Hmm… wish some people knew how to count…”

Oh boy. I hate conflict, but for some reason, this situation immediately struck me as comical! I still don’t know what was going on in my head.

I looked at him, and then looked at my items (which up until then I still hadn’t counted), and said, “I didn’t count, did I?” I counted up my items and came up with 17. Whoops! Call the grocery police!

Smiling, I then said to the man, “I’m 2 items over, would you like to go ahead of me?”

And here’s the punch line… he said NO!

At that point, it took every ounce of my restraint not to laugh out loud. Lest you feel sorry for this man, understand that I felt like laughing, not just because of the situation at hand, but also because I wanted to laugh at myself. It was like looking in a mirror.

The situation fully embodied this phrase that a mentor of mine asked me over and over: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to have peace?”

I can think of so many times in my life when I was literally handed a way out of a frustrating situation, but rather than allowing myself to experience relief, I chose a stance of self-righteousness. But I was RIGHT, damn it!!!

Can you relate?

This poor guy, I truly meant him no harm. He had no idea what was in my heart that day, and he has no idea how, in an odd way, he uplifted me. I left the store that day with my shopping cart, ran a few steps with it, and then rode it like a scooter to my car, thinking, “I CHOOSE PEACE!”